mm...I asked my best friend about my doubt with something happened to my self.my best friend answered: that was not a simple thing as you thinking about.it was depends on the straight niat for Allah,not anything nor anyone.It was about one of our obligations as a Muslim.if you accomplished this one,you can move to another obligations,and you had chance to become an obedient servant of Allah
maybe it was so hard to you if you tottally changed yourself,so just keep going step by step.

this is not the first time for me ask this topic to you.but you always have a great answer with all of your patient.how a thankfull I am to Allah have a best friend like you.